Dear Callan,
So many memories I'm afraid I'll forget of your time in the NICU. I wish I paused for a moment each day to write them down. This one I'll never forget...One night when we were still not able to hold you... Daddy and I came to the hospital and we each took one of your hands. We held a hand and they fed you my milk through a tube. You were awake for the first time around us and looked at each of us. Daddy stood on one side of your bassinet and I stood on the other. We were so happy to have that moment with you.
I have focused most of my time pumping milk for you or getting to the hospital to hold you. When I'm not with you I do focus on your siblings. Madison knows you are here, but I'm not sure she really KNOWS. Tyler is oblivious....He's still a baby and requires a lot of my attention. I have been nervous on how I'm going to give you all what you need. Someone (wise I'm sure) once told me that the best gift you could give your children are siblings. I do believe that because I am so thankful for the two I have. I know even though you three are going to wear me out it will all be worth it!
Today I got wonderful amazing news. You came off all your liters of air, and your tubes, and your oxygen. They are watching you at the hospital, but you are off all those aids. You are a normal baby!!! You are tiny. You are now five pounds something... but you are breathing room air and doing it all on your own! You are taking a bottle and nursing!!
I washed all of Tyler's newborn clothes for you before you were born. I bought you a few things of your own and I remember thinking that you had so much! I could put a new outfit on you every day and you wouldn't wear them all. Guess what I found myself doing yesterday? I was buying you something new. You are so tiny I felt the need to buy you something that would fit you now. Not later.. but now. It was an outfit that was "up to 7lbs." Tyler and Madison were both over seven pounds when they were born so I have nothing that small! The NICU dresses you now. All of the clothes they use are donations. Guess where your new clothes are going to go when you outgrow them? I told them today.. "DONE... Callan's clothes are coming to the NICU!"
Callan.. my heart aches for you to be with me at all times. I feel guilty when I'm not there with you. Holding you. Madison and Tyler still need me too. So away from you I must be a lot during the day. I'm afraid when you finally do come home I won't put you down. You will be a "lap baby." God has made me thankful. I was afraid of having three. Three babies under four, but now I am not afraid. I am thankful. I am thankful.... and we are so blessed.
Love,
Mama
Photos: Heather Walker
praying and praising God for his health!
ReplyDeletei donated most of benjamin's preemie clothes to our NICU. it's a beautiful circle of life being able to help the ones who helped you and your family so much. for his first birthday, in lieu of gifts, we collected preemie diapers to donate to our NICU as well. it was such a wonderful feeling to deliver them, to thank the doctors and nurses again for all they did during our darkest hours, while holding onto my healthy happy son.
ReplyDeletethis post brings back so many memories...the feeding tube, the pumping, nursing only a few minutes a day so as not to tire them out, the pull between your baby(s) at home and the one who isn't...everything you are feeling is completely normal. know that you are being the best mom to all three of your children!
so happy to read callan is making progress...continued prayers for you and your family!
Oh Shelby, this brought tears to my eyes. Such a sweet, sweet post with so much love. Being an only child, I see that providing Matthew with siblings is going to be such a cherished gift. Matthew was a little 5 lber too, I had nothing small that would fit him and boy did I wear out the few newborn outfits he had. I knew one day he would catch up and boy has he. Your sweet Callan may be small now, but with all the love, you, Jason, Madison and Tyler are going to give him boy he's probably going to catch up to his brother fast :) I'm so happy he's making such a amazing progress. I can't wait to hear that he's home where he belongs!
ReplyDeleteBeautifully written my friend! I love you lots and am praying for you and little Callan daily! I know you can't wait to have all 3 home with chaos and all!
ReplyDeleteAw, thank God for small miracles. It seems like Callan is hearing you loud and clear and wanting to go home very soon.
ReplyDeleteCan't wait for a picture of your three babies snuggled on the couch.
Saying a little prayer for you and your family.
beautiful words
ReplyDeleteTears but perfect, you are an incredible mom.
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