Friday, March 30, 2012

The Right Side of Disappointment

I wake up every morning tired.  I am the mother of a newborn so this is to be expected.  I go go go all day and I get up three times during the night to pump.  I'm on Callan's hospital schedule so I pump when they are feeding him a bottle during the night.  This morning when my alarm went off that final time it was no different.  I was tired, but there was a flutter in my heart.  I was happy.  I was excited. Today was the day Callan was to come home.

I missed his 8 a.m. feeding so I could take Madison and Tyler to school.  I arrived at Callan's bedside right before 11 a.m. so I could nurse him.  His nurse greeted me and I responded in a sing song voice with... "Good morning!!!!  Today is the day!!!  Callan is coming home!!"  She paused and gave me a sideways glance.  "Well..... he had a few desaturations through the night so the nurse practitioner is going to come talk to you.... I just want to prepare you that they may not let him leave today."  I heard her.  I listened to her.  My heart told my head no. She was wrong.  She didn't have any idea what she was talking about.  So "we" (my heart and head) ignored her.   

I nursed Callan behind a curtain and heard our nurse practitioner come in.  She whispered to the nurse to give her a call when I was finished.  I thought that was a little odd because she has talked with me while nursing in the past, but still didn't put it all together.  I finished up with Callan and she was called.  She delivered the news.  They were going to have to put Callan's cannula (nasal tube) back in and put him on one liter of air.  He needed the stimulation to keep his oxygen saturation levels high enough.  He's just not ready to go home.  He needs at least 48 hours on the cannula and then they will take him off and he has to prove that he can make it another 48 hours without any support. 

I heard my voice.  I was somewhere else, but words were coming out of my mouth.  I heard myself say, "ok.. no problem.  I don't want him home unless he is ready and ya'll are all confident that he will be just fine."  "I get it."  "I'm fine."  "I understand.."  "Right.. Okay... well I better go so I can give my husband a call."  I even managed to laugh with the 2 nurses, 1 nursing student, and nurse practitioner that stood around me and Callan.  Looking back I wondered if they were there in case I fell apart... again. 

I walked outside and called Jason and there in the parking lot I lost it.  The really really angry sad desperate ugly cry.  He tried to calm me.  He tried to say the right things.  But there are no right things to say.  I know I'm supposed to be on the right side of disappointment.  The side where all of this is okay...where I find the silver lining.  But today I'm on the wrong side.  I'm mad.  I'm angry.  I'm tired of pumping.  I'm tired of an alarm waking me up in the middle of the night and not the cries of my newborn.  I'm tired of drinking in his sweet smells along with those of the hospital.  I'm tired of driving back and forth to the hospital to see my baby.  I'm sad that Madison and Tyler have yet to meet their brother.  I'm sad that my friends have yet to see his sweet face.  I'm angry that he is there and we are here.  It's not how it's meant to be.  Tomorrow I will get on the right side.  Tomorrow I will look up and find the silver lining, but today I'm going to be on the wrong side of disappointment.  Today I choose to be sad.

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